The MOABeatitudes
The Good News according to Jesus W. Christ

Adapted from Matthew, Chapter 5

1 When he saw the cameras, he went up to the podium, and after he had grabbed the microphone, his party members came to him.

2 He began to teach them saying:

3 Blessed are the richest 20% of the world, for theirs is 80% of the resources.

4 Blessed are they who avenge, for they will feel justified.

5 Blessed are the wealthy, for they will inherit even more without estate taxes.

6 Blessed are they who claim righteousness, for they will silence dissent.

7 Blessed are the powerful, for they have no need of mercy.

8 Blessed is the sanitized news media, for the people will see only what we want them to.

9 Blessed are the warriors, for they will be called patriots of our nation.

10 Blessed are those who persecute in the name of righteousness, for theirs is a big boost in opinion polls.

11 Blessed are you when you insult and persecute and utter every kind of evil against others because of me.

12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great right here and now. Thus they rewarded Americans who were before you.

13 We are the most powerful nation on the Earth. But if puppet leaders disobey, how can the world be controlled? Their regimes are no longer any good for anything but to be thrown out and changed.

14 We are the leaders of the world. A Hummer H2 parked in a compact spot cannot be hidden.

15 Nor do they build a giant military and then keep it within their own borders; it is sent to other countries, where it drops cluster bombs on all in the land.

16 Just so, your nation must come before others, that they may see your power and obey your democratically-elected President.

17 Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the Constitution. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.

18 Amen, I say to you, until the Patriot Acts pass away, not the smallest phone call or the smallest part of an e-mail will pass unnoticed, until all things have been scrutinized.

19 Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called enemy combatants. But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called the greatest patriots in our nation.

20 I tell you, unless your righteousness surpasses that of the traitors and Liberals, you will not remain a citizen of this nation.

21 You have heard that it was said to terrorists, 'You shall not kill Americans; and whoever kills Americans will be liable to judgment.'

22 But I say to you, whoever is angry with his President will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his President, 'I disagree,' will be answerable to John Ashcroft, and whoever says, 'You fool,' will be liable to Camp X-Ray.

23 Therefore, if you compose your e-mail to the internet, and there recall that you have written anything against your President,

24 leave your e-mail there unsent, go first and rewrite it to support your President, and then come and hit Send.

25 Agree with your President quickly whenever discussing or writing about him. Otherwise the FBI will hand you over to John Ashcroft, and John Ashcroft will hand you over to the Marines, and you will be thrown into federal prison.

26 Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until The Carlyle Group and Halliburton have earned their last penny.

27 You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit treason.'

28 But I say to you, everyone who listens to a Liberal with an open mind has already committed treason with her in his heart.

29 If your right eye causes you to question, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Camp X-Ray.

30 And if your right hand causes you to question, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Camp X-Ray.

31 It was also said, 'Whoever publicly assembles must do so peaceably.'

32 But I say to you, whoever supports a protester (unless it is a rally to support our troops) causes her to commit treason, and whoever attends a protest commits treason.

33 Again you have heard that it was said to your ancestors, 'Do not make a false criticism of our country, but make sure your criticism is well founded.'

34 But I say to you, do not criticize at all; not by the Constitution, for it has been gutted;

35 nor by the 1st Amendment, for it has been suspended; nor by your American citizenship, for it can be revoked.

36 Do not criticize by logic, for you cannot argue against our simplistic definitions of white or black.

37 Let your 'Yes' mean 'Yes,' and your 'No' mean 'Yes.' Anything more is from the axis of evil.

38 You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'

39 But I say to you, offer massive retaliation to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on your right cheek, drop a bomb on him.

40 If anyone wants to go to the U.N. with you over international issues, drop a bomb on him.

41 Should anyone press you into service for one mile, drop a bomb on him.

42 Give bribes to countries who support you, and drop bombs on those who do not.

43 You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and also love your enemy.'

44 But I say to you, hate your enemies, and pray for death for those who stand up against you,

45 that you may be patriotic supporters of your democratically-elected President, for he makes his economy rise on the bad and the good, and causes taxes to fall on the just and the unjust.

46 For if you love those who hate you, what security will you have? Do not the traitors do the same?

47 And if you treat everyone equally, what is patriotic about that? Do not the Liberals do the same?

48 So be patriotic, just as your democratically-elected President is patriotic.

Enough of the heavenly kingdom.